The Death and Resurrection of the Red Herring

				The Red Herring Scrolls

Partus Oneus, the coming of the Herring

'Read quickly, so that I may soon feast upon the unsuspecting flesh of
the glazed, yea the glazed donut.'  --Dweezil to the Red Herring  

1. And Lo, did the Red herring come down among the lesser fish, and
say unto them:  Beware the Wombat, for in him thou shalt find
digestive juices that be not to thy liking. 

2.  And on the day that God created Wombats, the Herrings knew that
forevermore, they would be hunted and eaten, and the cried out
"Condoms!" For no readily apparent reason.  They soon discovered the
power of underwater-garlic, yea, garlic, to taste really swell but
make bad smells come from your mouth that were repulsive to the hungry
Wombat.  "Rejoice!  and lo, this is the secret of (latex? life?)  Dive
deep into the sea of life!" 

3.  And lo, low low low did the Red Herring dive, unto the great
depths, so deep that the Red Herring approached the depths of
government agents, and congress, yea congress. 

4.  at this, the wombat said  Dweefle, and ate the Red Herring even
though it had bad breath. 

5.  at this, the Red Herring was eaten, yea, eaten.  and in the
stomach of the Wombat was the Newt. 

6.  at this, the Wombat prayed to the porcelain goddess, for who wants
a Newt in their stomach?  dost thou?  didn't think so. 

7.  Out the Red Herring flew, into the altar of the porcelain goddess,
out also did go the Newt, also into the altar of the porcelain goddess


8.  Through the pipes of the goddess they did flow freely, until they
got to a processing plant, yea, a processing plant.   

9.  insert flange A into slot B1.  Repeat step 9 until flange A is
broken, then return to store where bought and get a refund. 

10.  Saved was the Red Herring! saved! by a disgruntled sewer worker
was he saved!  The Newt, unfortunately, not being distinguishable from
the other refuse, was not saved.  Hallelujah! 

Sub-Partus: The Story of Bob, the Disgruntled Sewer Worker:
	Bob the Disgruntled Sewer Worker was a sewer worker who no
longer enjoyed his job with that original vim and vigor with which he
had used to love it.  The smells had gotten old, they were forgotten,
yea, forgotten were the smells.  The sights also held no joy for Bob
the Disgruntled Sewer Worker, they were repetitive now.  So Bob the
Disgruntled Sewer Worker began switching the incoming lines into the
outgoing lines, and was very near to being fired when he saved the Red
Herring.  For the rescue, the Red Herring allowed Bob the Disgruntled
Sewer Worker to eat the flesh of the Red Herring, for what is flesh
for if not to be licked, savored, and eventually eaten?  Also, for the
fact that Bob the Disgruntled Sewer Worker did NOT save the Newt, Bob
the Disgruntled Sewer Worker was given a winning lottery ticket by the
Red Herring.  Bob the Disgruntled Sewer Worker now lives in
California, and maintains a job as a 'waste management engineering
consultant'. 

Back to the Story:

10.5. And Lo, the Red herring did get taken to the trailer home of the
disgruntled sewer worker, Bob, and lo, the Red Herring did get eaten
with a slab of SPAM and easy cheese. 

11.  indigestion! indigestion is the word!  And lo, did the Red
Herring escape again. 

12 . skip to item 23

23.  please refer to number 12.

13.  and lo, it is thirteen, the number of the Herring.

14.  and lo, it is fourteen, not the number of the Herring.

15. this one isn't either, oh, well.

16.  nope, sorry.

17. and lo, this has gotten repetitive, repetitive, repetitive.  (By
the way, 17 is not the number of the Red Herring, either)

Partus Twous, the all-important, climactic battle between the Wombat
and the Red Herring!


1.  And lo, the Thrice-Naked Wombat and the Red Herring did fighteth.

2. and lo, low blows did they throw.

3.  and it was a hell of a fight.

4. and the bell was rungeth, the fight was over, the winner, most
obviously, was the (untranslatable--scholars even unto today have been
unable to decisively decide what the word is, but they're pretty sure
that Joyce knew.) 

5. and lo, the winner had won, the loser lost.

6.  and lo, the winner enjoyed women and wine, the loser enjoyed
hospital care and bills. 

Partus twous and a halfus

And the platypus did cross the road, yea, the road.
And the 18-Wheeler did swerveth, yea, swerveth, to miss the platypus.
And the 18-Wheeler didn't miss the platypus, and there was a great
splat, yea, splat. 


The Return of the Red Herring

Partus Threeus the end of the Herring, new translation:


1.  Stunned from his defeat by the Thrice-Naked and highest-praised
Wombat, the poor Red Herring went to hide deep in the Oceans. 

2.  The Red Herring, weak and feeling generally bad, drowned. in
water.  a fish. 

3.  it was a mysterious, fishy death.

4.  this is not the number of the herring.

5. but we won't go into that.

6. They said that the Herring was Murdered.

7.  yea, murdered in the mud. by the Wombat.

8.  After many moons, the great dead red herring bloated and floated
to the top of the ocean, where the Fisherman Bernard caught him, and
took him home. 

9.  Bernard had quite a fish story to tell.  The truth is this:
	Bernard went out to fish and drink beer because the womenfolk
back home were bothering him to get a job to support his (somewhat
large, but that was because of a definite lack of sheep) family.
Bernard's fishing line caught onto the dead corpse of the Red Herring
while Bernard was well into his fifth case.  Bernard was quite
astounded to see a fish the size of the Red Herring on his line, and
rowed back to shore with great difficulty.  The fish was, alas, to far
gone to send to Roger the Taxidermist, for it was very rotten.  They
had to fry it, in other words.   So was the Red Herring fried.  

10.  Word of Bernard's Fish Story ended up being heard by the last
remaining Fanatics of the Red Herring in this form: 
	Bernard, you see, went out to catch some fish to feed his
poor, starving family, for Bernard was unable to get a job within the
town because of cruel people.  Bernard ingeniously used the beer that
he had taken with him as bait, and caught a huge fish.  Bravely
Bernard bound himself to the boat, riding out the bumps and bang
caused by the big fish as it tried to escape.  The fish took Bernard
out to the deep sea, where it finally died.  By the time that strong
Bernard was able to get back to town later that day, the fish had
rotted. Alas! alack! Fry the sucker! 

11. the fanatics hurried to the site of the Red Herring.  Why pass up
a good fish fry? 

12. and many ate of the rotten (but heavily fried) meat of the Red
Herring, and, lo, many got sick.  the oil, yea the oil, had been
rancid. 

13. oops.

	NOTE: this following text is what was originally translated
from the scrolls:

1. Lo, the Red herring is dead

2. Dead Red herring, Dead Red.

3. And the fanatics feasted well on the meat of the Dead, Red Herring.

4. And Lo, while feasting they were, notice they did not the great
comet coming out of the sky towards them! 

5. Run, fanatics, Run!

6. Oh dear, the fanatics are dead.

7.  Dead fanatics, Dead.

7.5 Luckily, They was not killed by the comet, for They does not like
fish fries; only hamburgers. 

8.  This is the end of side one.  To continue, please turn the tape
over and press PLAY. 

9. *click* *flip* *ca-ching!* *click* *whirrrrr....*


Partus Fourus, the resurrection of the Herring

1. After the feast, all retired sick and with indigestion to their outhouses.

2. and many, many times did they thank the traveling sewer system
salesman for selling them sewer systems smartly. 

3.  and many times, yea, many times did they flush.

4. so most of the pieces of the rotten, fried, eaten and partially
digested Herring made their way to the Processing plant, where Bob,
the disgruntled sewer worker was working. 

4.5. yes, the same Plumber Bob who had been earlier given riches, nay,
GREAT riches by the Herring.  The smell of the Sewer Processing Plant
had 'gotten good to him'.  

5. And Bob, yea, Plumber Bob, realized that he was seeing pieces of
the Red Herring, so he meticulously collected them in his pockets. 

6. is that a Red Herring in you pocket or are you just happy to see me?
6.5 oh, that *is* a Red Herring in your pocket.  (It smells like fish...?)

7.  Bob, in his copious free time, went home and with the most holy
Duct Tape began to put the Red Herring back together again. 

8. it was a thankless job.  Duct Tape doesn't stick well to rotten,
fried, eaten, partially digested and partially processed Herring
pieces. 

9. many moons later, yea, the boys next door were at 'that age', Bob
finished The Duct Taping of the Red Herring. 

10. you can't imagine how many rolls of duct tape it took. trust me.

11. peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold.  Red herring in a pot, 9 months old.

12. anyway.  (this isn't the number of the Herring, either). anyway.

13. but this one is!!

14. anyway.

15. please drive through!

16. Now that the Red Herring was whole again, it was able to
reincarnate itself using a ritual involving spam and brie cheese. 

17. Yes! the Red Herring is alive again!

18. The Red Herring, having used up his stash of SPAM for a petty
thing like resurrection, must find more Spam, and the Wombat has
Spam. 

19. Spam Spam spam spam Spam Spam spam spamlovely spam, wonderful spam.

20 SPAM=Sliced Pieces of Animal Meat

21. you are now able to drink.

22. This translation is being brought to you by large amounts of
caffeine. thank you for tuning in. 

23. we now return to our translation, already in progress.

24. or so They say.

25.  the profit They foretold the coming of the Herring, and foretold
the ease in catching many herrings from the coming of the Red
Herring. 

26.  And the Red Herring lined all the right-handed at His right, all
the Left-Handed at His left.   

27.  Unto the right-handed, He said:  Goest from me, for Thou art
right-handed and stupid 

28. unto the left-handed, He said:  Go home and be merry, I'm not
counting sins tonight for thou. 

29. Yea, said the left-handed, yea.

30.  It was a long night for the right-handed.

31.  It's not actually automatic, you really have to press this little
trigger here. 

32. And the Red Herring rode away to his watery home in a chariot of rat bones.

13.  And lo, it is the Number of the Herring, again.

14. and lo, this STILL is not the number of the Herring.

35. anyway.

36.  Pencil sharpener, says the Red Herring, pencil sharpener.

37. and the profit They is lost at this remark.

Historian's comment on the profit They:
	They played an essential role in the religious supply/demand
situation at the time of the Red Herring.  They the Profit preached
the word of the Herring, with or without enlightenment, and was the
source of ideas for many TV-Evangelists when he asked for money to buy
worms for the Red Herring.  The Profit They made a nice profit, and
the few worms he bought as a gesture, he ground up by a pencil
sharpener and made hamburgers from them.  This tale has come down to
us through the myth of Mc-Donald.  This sheds a little light on the
surrounding passages; They is not confused-lost at the remark of the
Red Herring, but, rather, damned-lost. 

38. so the Red Herring slays the profit They.  They didn't ask for it.

39. unto They, the Herring said Thou, They, thou thoughts that thy
think, they stink! 

40. th.......th.....th.....th?

40.5 And Mc-Donald did follow the teachings of the profit, They, and
the lessons of the Red Herring, and he, too, made a nice profit, but
even better fries. 

41. And the Red Herring did swim away, happily

42.  swim, swim, swim

23. 23! 23? 23; 23: 23' 23" [23] {23} (23) 23-23-23 !

44.  Still the Red Herring searches for Spam.  It is said that when
the Red Herring gets Spam, things terrible will happen, stores will
begin holiday decorations within a few days before the holiday, and
take them down soon after the holiday.  Summer clothes sales will be
in summer, not winter, and abbreviation will become a shorter word. 

45 so I guess that 'tis a good thing that the Thrice Naked Wombat
won't allow the Red Herring to acquire and Spam. (he sorta likes the
word abbreviation) 


Partus Fiveus: extra stuff thrown in for my amusement.

1. The Yam is most holy, and should be always eaten on the thirteenth
of the month, especially the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. 

2. Red Herrings work well with Rats, which spelled backwards is staR,
but that doesn't matter. 

3.  The Trout (Trout!) is a good friend of the Red Herring, do not piss it off.

4. The Wombat is not a good friend of the Red Herring, but don't piss
him off anyway. 

5. What kind of pet always stays on the ground?

6. A carpet.

7.thispassagedoesnothaveanyspaces,asyoumighthavealreadynoticed.Ifyouhadn'tnoticed,pleasestartagainfromthebegginning(ortheend,ifyoulike,itdoesn'treallymatter).Idon'tknowhytherearenospaces,butitseemedlikeagoodthingatthetime.

Parable of the Oyster

Once there was an oyster.  The oyster was hated, despised, and
intensely disliked by everyone.  The oyster liked this.  No one
bothered the oyster cause no one liked the way he smelt, or looked for
that matter.  So, if thou wish to no be bothered, gather thou many
bags of oysters, yea, oysters, and smear thyself with the oil.
Oysters, you know, eat much underwater garlic. 

Proverbs of the Fish

A) Live forever or die trying.
B) I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a Wombat in front of me
C) Speak softly, carry a red herring
D) Rat bones are the key to survival
E)  Life is like a large Yam, except more square.
F) Pessimists can't see the light for the darkness, optimists can see
the light at the end of the tunnel, realists know that it is an
oncoming Red Herring. 
G) Lefties are the true rulers of the world.
H) Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but whips and chain excite me!
I) Aye....
J) This Universe was packaged by weight, not by volume, some shifting
of contents may have occurred during shipping. 
K)  Measure twice, cut once.
L) If it ain't baroque, don't fix it.
M) A termite walks up to a bar and asked 'Where is the bar tender?'


	Appendix I.5	Ten uses for red herring in role-playing game
situations. 
(Compiled by Var Griffolino, Bard Extraordinaire)

1: Distracting large, hungry reptiles from eating you.

2: placing in the ribcage of and animated rat skeleton so as to lead
hungry creatures away 

3: Leaving as trail markers.  Not useful as such if there is a large
hungry thing chasing you. 

4: For testing for traps and such.  Send the herring in first!

5: animated amounts of herring can be used to muddy up a lake so as to
be able to discern what is water and what is a creature that look like
water. 

6: for tossing through teleportation portals

7: for dropping to discern height.

8: For use as human-repellent.

9: Projectile weapons to confuse and demoralize enemies.

10: emergency rations.


	Appendix I.5 The top ten reasons why the Red Herring is better
than the Wombat 
10: Doesn't shed.
9: Likes underwater garlic -and- spam.
8: Easier to carve with a pocket knife
7: Doesn't breathe air.  Useful if you have a limited oxygen supply
6: Gives sexual pleasure to the elderly (Hard of herring)
5: Always wins staring contests with the Wombat
4: Appreciates the plight of disgruntled sewer workers and fishermen.
3: Looks better in modern swimwear
2: Better personality
---and the top reason why the Red Herring is better than the Wombat--
1: Has NEVER said 'dweefle'