The Wholly Apocrypha: 
			The Lead Brie Scroll
 		(Or: The Gospel According to Wednesday)

Chapter 1

1	Lo, it was a darketh and stormy night.
2	And it was the Will, yea, the Will of the Dude On The Beach to
gaze out mindlessly upon the wild waves of the oceanic hullabaloo, and
reveal Great Truths of Sheer Inanity.
3	Inanity, inanity, he was as a Saturday morning cartoon, and he did
speak of Mighty Metamorphising Power Rangers with great fire.
4	And thus did he speak.
5	And speak.
6	I meaneth, gawwwwwd, people, he just wouldeth not shutteth UP.
7	But anyway.

Chapter 2

1	So the refridgerator of life holds many forms of food.
2	Dairy, meat, vegetable, fruit, fowl, fish, and Hostess Twinkies,
which be not quite food, but doth approximate for  the purposes of
government work.
3	And yea, within the arsenal of edible products, there was the
Holy Cheese Shelf.
4	Within were many cheeses of all forms -- American Cheddar,
Parmesan, Goat, Head, all with some sort of waxen coating about them,
molded as silicone, as external breast implants, yea.
5	But none is so cherished upon that shelf as the Brie, yea, the Brie.
6	All hail the holy presence of the Brie. Let it shine, dammit. Kum 
Brie Ya, my Lord, Kum Brie Ya! Alleluia and Amen! For here is the 
smoodgly stuff that you mayest spread about, or imbibe with a nice
chutney, or bake with apples and honey for a damn good snack.
7	This is the food of the Gods, more revered then even belly button
lint. It was held by the Five Annoying Commercial Marvels Doing Bad
Voltron Impressions to be a sacrament unto Kewl Snacks, yea, Kewl Snacks.
8	If you would mate with said cheese, love it tenderly, for it is
not into leather and whips and chains and will soon go moosh if you
flog it too hard. The wax about it is its natural prophylactic, and
is more effective than the intestine of a glowering sheep.
9	Thou shalt rememberest always that cheese doth give good head,
but only on alternate Fridays when the moon is full.
10	The moon, though you may have been told strange stories otherwise, is
not of green Brie, nor any other cheese; yea, she is formed of the goop 
within the Twinkie that is not truly identifiable by Science.
11	This is why the Roaches do run from the Moon, and do not stop to 
partake of her Flesh, for it may be sweet, but it is laden with many 
preservatives and may cause cancer somewhere down the line.
12	Roachen cancer is strange and unusual, for it bears symptoms such
as tumors, yea, tumors like oranges that are not orange and do not taste 
neat and citrusy when squozen.
13	In fact, the juice of a roach's tumor isn't really all that tasty
at all. It tasteth kind of like Zima.
14	If you would drink with your lovemaking to the Brie, drink deep
of the Wine of the Blood Of The Moon, and know that once you have
tasted her sweet creamlike almost-taste, she will give you everlasting
existence, and thou shalt never be embalmed.
15	This is the knowledge granted me by the wisdom of the Sacred Cow,
somewhere off in the vicinity of Wisconsin, where all are damned jealous 
of Brie.
16	For lo,. the Cheddar rebels, and wishes to be mated with as well;
it joins with Mozzerella to form a phallic stick, yea, a phallic stick.
17	It takes batteries.
18	And the Cheddar shall vibrate with the soul of the the Earth, and
give even better head than Brie, until such time as the batteries run
dry, for it does not use the same batteries as the Everlasting Pink Bunny
of Obnoxiousness.
19	Yea, Cheddar only wants to get laid.
20	But Brie is a warm, inviting lover, full of softness and grace,
and thus, yea, it shall abide in a cool space, and shall ne'er be frozen,
else the ice spoil the ambience of its true amorousness.
21	Cheddar shall ye freeze, for lo somewhere in the mid-70's, it
truly sucks. Not even well, at that.
22	But ye shall never freeze brie!

Chapter 3

1	Upon saying this, the Dude stared off again into the milky turbulence
of the great night-like day kinda thing.
2	He then collapsed, face-first, into a plate of macaroni and cheese.
3	I took from him his fake green dress, and sat to write the tale,
for I knew deep within that yea, perhaps someone would pay money to hear
something like this.
4	Mindeth you, I've given up hope by now.
5	Ah, see what large letters I write with mine own hand! I must
learn shorthand.
 6	Amen, alleluia, dweefle and Never Freeze Brie.

Holy Works